Drunken revelry
by calgarry
Summary: "I thought he said Time Lords can't get drunk!" River raised an eyebrow. "Rule one…" "The doctor lies" Amy and Rory finished, and continued dragging the Doctor into the TARDIS. It had started, as do most things which end with one dragging an unconscious friend into a blue telephone box, with what seemed like a good idea. A oneshot about a drunk Doctor, rated K for intoxication
1. Drunk

"I thought he said Time Lords can't get drunk!"

River raised an eyebrow. "Rule one…"

"The doctor lies" Amy and Rory finished, and continued dragging the Doctor into the TARDIS.

It had started, as do most things which end with one dragging an unconscious friend into a blue telephone box, with what seemed like a good idea.

o0o0o

River had materialised in the middle of the TARDIS control room in the middle of a meltdown. Amy, Rory and the Doctor were running around, flicking switches and pushing buttons, trying to make the shaking stop and the noise quiet down. River calmly stepped up to the panel, pulled a lever, pushed two buttons; and the meltdown ended, just like that. She smiled at her family, and the Doctor glared at her.

"Melody! How are you?" her mother still called her by her birth name, but River didn't mind. She was glad her mother knew she was her mother. She smiled and said she was. She turned to the Doctor, gave her customary "Hello, sweetie!" and asked him where he wanted to go.

"Well, we were just heading back to Earth actually, Amy and Rory wanted to see their friends again for a bit…"

"But we can easily do that later," Amy interjected eagerly, and Rory nodded his agreement.

"Right, that's settled then," River beamed, ignoring the fact that the Doctor was looking daggers at all of the Ponds. He skulked off to a corner, muttering something about 'his TARDIS' while the Ponds chatted together and caught up.

Suddenly River announced, "We're here!" after the TARDIS had landed (with no noise, of course) and flung open the door to reveal a lush green field outside. They stepped out to see a glittering city in the distance, about a mile away. They turned to River. "This place does wonderful balls every Saturday evening," she said by way of answer. "Galaxy-famous, or so they say. Would you like to have a look?"

An hour later, Amy and River were dressed in ball gowns they found in the TARDIS's extensive wardrobe, and Rory and the Doctor were wearing suits. They both wore bow ties, although Rory complained that it was 'itchy'; and the Doctor had a top hat with his outfit.

The four travellers walked down to the city, which upon closer inspection was made entirely of glass towers, glittering in the gentle hues of the beautiful sunset. They made their way to the large ballroom in the town hall, which was decorated with large bows and ribbons everywhere. There was glitter falling from the ceilings inside, although it had no discernable source. Couples were whirling around the dance floor, the girls floating like flowers. Rory took Amy's hand and led her away, and the Doctor smiled at River and held out his hand.

"Shall we dance?" he asked as he bowed.

"We certainly shall, sweetie," she replied, taking his hand and stepping out.

For an hour or so, the two of them stepped along in time to the music, whirling and spinning and lifting and dancing, fast and slow, until they were both tired out. They sat down on chairs set out around the sides of the room and watched the other dancers for a while. Amy and Rory called out as they spun past, and they waved back. After a few minutes the Doctor spotted a table of drinks, and they went over.

"I'll just have a ginger beer; I've got to be the sober driver," he winked, and raised his glass in a toast. "Cheers," he said, and clinked his glass against River's wine.

A few drinks later, Amy and Rory had joined them, and they were all sipping their drinks while watching the dancers on the floor. The Doctor reached behind him for hi glass, but took the wrong one and ended up taking a large gulp of the local beer. He gasped and spluttered, and the others patted him on the back whole he recovered.

"Are you all right, sweetie?"

"Yes, I'm fine. This beer, though – it's exquisite! How have I never tried this before?" He finished the glass, and reached for another one before River stopped him.

"What was that you said about being the sober driver?"

"Oh, don't worry about that! I'm a Time Lord! Time Lords don't get drunk!" He gulped down that glass, then another. He sipped yet another glass before seizing River around the waist and striding out onto the dance floor with her. She shot a helpless glance at her parents, who smirked at her, before she began to dance with the Doctor again.

o0o0o

Two hours after the Doctor first tried the beer, he had had several more (River had lost count) and his movements had seemed slower. His head kept nodding, and he struggled to stay on his feet.

"I thought you said Time Lords can't get drunk!" she said accusingly.

"'They don't', not 'they can't'. Intoxication is unpleasant for a Time Lord, and is usually easy to ignore…but it's not working…" he was wincing as he spoke.

"Is there anything that can help make you…more drunk?" she suggested.

"Ginger. Ginger limits our ability to hold our drink, but…oh, no! The ginger beer!"

The Doctor moved away to the other side of the room and started doing his giraffe impression. River tried to drag him away, but in the end had to get her parents to help. Together, she and Rory started escorting the Doctor through the streets of the city, to the green field where she had parked the TARDIS. By the time they reached the box, they were dragging the Doctor rather than escorting him; and when River reached up to get the spare key, he flopped onto the ground.

"What exactly is wrong with him?" Amy asked worriedly.

"He's drunk," River answered shortly, concentrating on unlocking the TARDIS.

"I thought he said Time Lords can't get drunk!"

River raised an eyebrow. "Rule one…"

"The doctor lies" Amy and Rory finished, and continued dragging the Doctor into the TARDIS. They plopped him on the floor to the right of the door, and he flopped down to a lying position. He bumped his head, and was knocked out for a while. When he came to he found three anxious faces staring down at him – a pretty lady with a mass of blonde curly hair, a young girl with red hair, and a man with a long nose. He giggled, and they moved backwards quickly, exchanging looks.

"What's funny? He never giggles," the long-nosed man said, which made the Doctor laugh all the more.

"Okay, now I'm worried," the redhead remarked.

"Maybe-" the blonde lady was cut off by the Doctor saying, "He's got such a long nose! Seriously, it's so long! How does that even happen? Doesn't it fall of his face? It just…" he was sent into fits of laughter. "I need a fez. Where's my fez?" the Doctor asked suddenly, and sat up. No sooner was he up, however, than he fell back down again, and started giggling and rolling around on the floor. The Ponds stood up and walked a little way away, speaking anxiously with one another and sending worried glances at the Doctor.

"Will he be okay? How long does it take for a Time Lord to become sober?"

"I don't know, I've never met a sober Time Lord before! Why do you two always expect me to know everything about the Doctor?"

"Because you usually do know everything about the Doctor!"

Rory strode over to the door and tried to open it, but it was locked. "Hang on. We unlocked this, I know we did. You got the key and…why can't we get out?"

"I don't know. The TARDIS feels…she feels unhappy. She's not going to let us out for a while."

"How long?"

"Until about Tuesday."

"What day is it now?"

"Saturday…no, Sunday now."

A groan arose from Amy and Rory. The Doctor started moaning, and Rory went over to check he was alright before realising that he was trying to sing in a different language. The language was strange, it almost seemed…rounded, in an undefinable way. River caught a strain if the song and flinched.

"What is it? What's he singing?"

River looked uncomfortable. "It's Gallifreyan…"

"How do you even – never mind. What is it?"

River looked cagey. Amy stepped closer to her. "Melody Pond, you tell me _right now_ what the Doctor is singing – or trying to sing, rather."

"It's…it's a love song…"

"About?"

"Love. It involves...it involves the words 'let me rub my TARDIS on you' and I'd rather not tell you the rest, if you don't mind." Amy sighed, but left her daughter alone.

Rory exhaled impatiently. "So basically, we're trapped in the TARDIS with a drunk Doctor, who is singing a dirty song in a dead language, with no chance of getting out until Tuesday?"

"That sounds about right, yeah." Amy answered.

"Oh, that's okay then. I was worried I might have gotten confused."

"What do we do now?" Amy directed the question at River.

"Now? We wait." The Ponds sat down and waited for the Doctor to come around. "And this is the last time he's ever having ginger beer," River added.


	2. Hangover

The Doctor came around to find a blinding light on his eyelids and a massive pain in his head. He groaned and rolled over onto his side, and the thumping in his head increased. This must be how the Master felt he thought to himself before assessing his surroundings as best he could with his eyes tight shut. Apart from his head, he appeared to be largely unharmed. His back and neck were cold, and sore from lying on a hard surface. His throat was dry, and his eyes hurt slightly from the light that was squeezing in through his eyelids. He felt faintly nauseous, but nothing major.

Now, to work out what had happened. He tried to remember the previous day. He remembered the field, they were going to a ball, he wore a top hat and bow tie…there was dancing, him and River, for hours and hours. There was the drinks, and that ginger beer he had tried. And…the beer, the wonderful beer that was the best in the universe, surely in all the universes there could ever be…that came into it somehow. He was floating over a green field, as if he was flying…then he had been dropped on the ground. He vaguely remembered someone pulling his left leg, and then there was nothing…until he woke up here, that is.

That awful thumping! It simply wouldn't go away! He groaned again and rolled back onto his back, and edged one eye open slowly. He was assaulted by more of the blinding light, then the colours began to assert themselves into the familiar form of his beloved TARDIS. He was lying at the bottom of the stars, just inside the doors. He could see out of the corner of his eye the Ponds standing by the controls, talking quietly together. He sat up, with great effort, and they looked over at him, sniggered, and went back to talking.

He tried to speak. "Wha- what happened?"

River turned around slowly. "You got drunk, sweetie. How's the hangover?" She smirked at Amy and Rory, and they grinned in response.

"Oh, fantastic. Never better," he replied, secretly pleased that his head had room for sarcasm with this dreadful throbbing pain.

Rory, ever the doctor, went and knelt beside The Doctor, checking his eyes as he asked him questions. He returned to stand by his wife. "The verdict?" she asked quietly. "He's drunk," he replied equally quietly. "At least he's not singing dirty songs anymore." he joked, and they both smiled. The jumped as a loud groan came from behind them.

They looked around to see the Doctor holding his head, curled up on the ground, groaning and moaning. They turned to River, Amy raising an eyebrow. River merely said, "He'll be like that until at least Tuesday. Unless we can find a cure."

"What, a hangover cure?" Rory was sceptical.

"Yes, father, a hangover cure. He's a Time Lord, remember; there must be a way." She pulled out her little book of the Doctor's various exploits. "I understand something happened to him before, he was poisoned – the Tenth him, that's why you don't remember," she added in response to her parents' confused looks. "Ah, yes! Agatha Christie and the Vespiform. His drink was poisoned when he was with Agatha Christie, and he gave himself a detox to save himself. Maybe we could do that again…" She closed the book thoughtful and called over to the Doctor, "Sweetie, what would you do if I said something was inhibiting your enzymes?"

o0o0o

Half an hour later, the four of them were standing in a rather large kitchen in the TARDIS, one neither Amy nor Rory had seen before. On the bench on front of the Doctor, there was ginger beer (River had grudgingly agreed), some fried fish (for protein), a small bowl of popcorn (extra salty), and some custard with fish fingers (for good luck).

The Doctor paced up and down. "No, I've forgotten something. I know I have. It was to do with Donna…" his lips puckered slightly and he opened his eyes with a start. "A shock! That was it." He turned to the others. "Do you think one of you could provide a shock for me please?"

River grinned. "I'll do it, Sweetie."

He swallowed, then nodded. "Alright then. Let's get started!" He turned towards the food on the bench, failing to spot the Ponds whispering behind his back, then straighten up, nodding.

The Doctor took a deep breath, then tipped back his head and gulped down the entire bottle of ginger beer. He straightened up, gasping; then reached for the fish. That went down equally quickly followed by the popcorn, and custard and fish fingers. "Now for the shock," he muttered, turning to River, a smile forming on his face; and he was flabbergasted when Rory lurched forward and kissed him full on the mouth. He leaped away and staggered backwards, gasping for air. As he fell backwards onto the bench, he saw all the Ponds laughing at him, Rory going red; but he was distracted by smoke emanating from his mouth. He blinked and shook his head – no pain! No throbbing, no noises, and everything looked normal again.

"What do you know," River remarked, "a detox works for a hangover. So there, Mr Pond; there is a cure for a hangover."

Rory blushed slightly, bowing his head. He wouldn't look the Doctor in the eye. Amy, on the other hand, was convulsing with laughter. "I'm sorry," she managed to say, "But your face! Priceless!"

The Doctor looked reproachfully at River. "That was a mean trick."

"Well, it wouldn't have been as shocking coming from me, now would it?"

The Doctor pondered this for a bit, then stuck out his hand. "Even," he said. "Even," she agreed, shaking his hand.

River turned and strode out, heading for the control room. "Where to now?" she asked the assembled group, who had followed her. "I know of a wonderful place, called Appalappachia; how does that sound?"

Rory and Amy shook their heads vigorously. "Not there," they said together. "Unless," Amy said, with a sideways glance at the Doctor, "we actually use a history book first…"

* * *

**For the next bit of the story, check out the first chapter of my story 'Not What You Think'.**

**Reviews are greatly appreciated!**


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